Hello

In the rest of the world, you learn English through rules which tell you how to use English*.

In Lolland, we spit on this stupid system. Here, you learn English by learning how not to use English, in 100 simple chapters.

*In Soviet Russia, English learns you.

We Love Orkut

To truly learn English, you must visit Orkut. 

At least, that's what the Lolland University Department of English thinks. After all, Orkut is the first site (since Google) to add a word to the English Dictionary - 'frand', and to change the rules of grammar by broadening the interpretation of the word 'do' - as in, 'do fraandship with me'.

And you don't argue with us.

Here are some examples you would do well not to follow. We've replaced the names with titles representing their inner qualities. (sic) is understood for every word. All male names within the quote are replaced by a red X, and all female names by a red Y.

If you've come across any funny orkut fails, please add in the comments.

Spell(Mistake)Caster (I am) a very friendly sought of person...

CharmingHobbit I m very friendly by NATURE along with the lots of good habbits 

SouthIndian a motivational song of our country goes 'we shall overcome...'(hum honge kaamya) 

ClassicFrand a gud frand is face of futere.............. 

ScrapGod hi dear haver u??????????? 

YouWontFindOneHereHoney Y WAIT 4 GOD BOY FRAND

ManlyOrgans ALL TESTIS SUCKS,,,,EXCEPT MINE,,,

(In fairness, the poor guy meant 'testimonial'.)

TakesNothingForGranted "X 1 st frand than love" 

DesperateMan Hi :D :D :D :D Dr Y I like ur poss which is u show in ur profile u put 10 fots in ur foto folder but where is u pls update ur latest foto like close up ur face ur sexy figer don't get wrong i min to say full poss of ur snap ur title is plz come frnd I wanna come to u where v can meet tell me beauti plssssssssssssss tell me 

HandsomeHunk  i'm X .shame on u girlz X is alone.... my num is ***** ***** 

TypicalProfile I am very straight forward. I fear nothin.U can love me or hate me but its jus impossible to ignore me.i like it tat way.n u kno wat...I..wid an innocent smile...is nt as innocent as I look...!! bt haan...possess a soft heart.....!! one of d true frnz type..!! 

QuestionLover love is life ????? i think noooo. what r u saing????????  

CelineDion NOT

Every time in my orkut
I see you. I scrap you. 
That is how I know you go on.
Far across the Scrap Book 
And testimonials between us 
You have come to show yourself “ single”. 
Near, far, wherever you are 
I believe that the friends list does go on 
Once more you logged on 
And you're here in my scrap book 
And my scrap book will go on and on 
Testimonials can touch us one time 
And last for sometime 
And never let go till we're friends 
Love was when I saw your friends list 
One true time I hold to 
In my life I’ll surely view her/his profile 
Near, far, wherever you are 
I believe that the friends list does go on 
Once more you logged on 
And you're here in my scrap book 
And my scrap book will go on and on 
There is some amazing profile that will not go away 
You're here, there's so much to fear, 
And I know that my friend will know I checked her/him out 
We'll stay forever this way 
You are safe in my friends list 

SpamMeister

here are 100 angels in this world!! 

40 r sleeping!! 
30 r working!! 
20 r playing!! 
9 r blessing!! 
And 1 is reading this message!! 
Send this to 10 people ~!~ 
If u get 1 reply ...u r poor in relation!! 
If u get 2...u need some one to support !! 
If u get 3..u r average in nature!! 
If u get 4 u r friend to many! 
If u get 5 replies someone luvs u!! 
If u get 6 some one really wants u beyond love!! 
If u get 7 some one is praying GOD to get married with u!! 
If u get 8 u r so mankind!! 
If u get 9 u r worthfull having friend like ME!! 
And if u get TEN replies ... 
I“m worthfull having friend like YOU!! 
I hope i'll get this back VERY SOON........... 

Thanks to this site, which gave us the idea of using Orkut to teach the Queen's English.

Chapter 2: Don't use bad language

Lolland is a PG-13 Institution. So of course the Lolland University is as well. The English Department is on a campaign to remove all vulgar words from everywhere in the world. Only, when we started, we ran into a few problems.

0. Roadies

Yes, we know they already censor objectionable language with a beep. But we had a clever idea - just remove that portion from the video altogether. However, when we had a test run, the length of each episode went down to 5 minutes and, since even MTV can't run a show which has 10 times more ads than content, we had to ditch the first idea.

1. Rap

When we tried to clean up rap, we found that we had cleaned up rather too well. Only a few words - brotha, sista, yo, homies, roll, weed* - remained after we had removed ^&%&^, (&^*&* ,*&^*&^*, &*^*& and (*&&*(.

*Sorry, we just found out what they meant by weed, and it was a bit different from what we meant.

An example:

Girl Shake Dat ___________________________
Up in this ______________________________

2. Metal

Pretty much the same as rap. However, here, only half the lyrics disappeared; the remaining lyrics were about death and glory and dragons and warfare.

An example (from You Suck by Strapping Young Lad; after the removal of 15 words):

Tell us how much they
Yeah they
Even your girlfriend she
Yeah they
Oh you you
Yeah they

3. Harbhajan Singh

Remember the famous Harbhajan Singh-Andre Symonds-monkey incident? And the explanation given later, that Harbhajan had, in fact, said 'teri maa ki'. In keeping with our policy of censorship, we would have to remove this incident from history. But then one of the few instances of Indians giving as good as they got in the sledging department would disappear, and we couldn't have that.

It seems that we have failed everywhere we have tried to censor. Bloody Hell. No more PG-13 for us. TripleX, here we come.

Chapter 000: Make sentences

This is a special lesson. It is the only part of the English Department of the Lolland University in which you will be taught what to do, rather than what not to do. It is simple - we will teach you how to use certain important words by using them in sentences.

We offer types of sentences that will change your life.

The First Standard kind

1. word: dog

Pinky is my pet dog and I love it very much.

(We don't like this kind much.)

The Tenth Standard, I don't-know-shit-please-pass-me kind

2. word: dog

A dog is a four legged canine animal which has four legs and belongs to the genus Canis, a genus which has animals with four legs like dogs (which are canine).

(We like this kind. It's the only reason we didn't fail all our tenth standard subjects.)

The Distracting kind

3. word: dog

The Prince of Darkness brutally slaughtered five million people by pulling out their tongues and then making a dog bite their eyes off, before pouring molten iron over their bodies till they died, screaming in agony.

The Rap kind

4. word: dog

Yo Dawg!

The Hidden Truth kind

5. word: dog

There are dogs with throat disease which sing better than Himesh Reshammiya.

6. word: dog

There is only one road in India without a stray dog.

Chapter 17 - Don't translate twice

If you use this, and translate a well-known piece of text into some language like Chinese or Persian and translate it back to English, you will get something that is funny, and that is a perfect example of how you should not write.

Example: (sorry for using a Britney Spears song)

Oops I did it again
I played with your heart
Got lost in the game

(English -> Arabic -> English)

Sorry I did it again
We have played with your heart
Obtained in the game

Example:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king's horses,
And all the king's men,
Couldn't put Humpty together again.

gives (English -> Persian -> English)

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty was a big fall.
King of all horses,
All men and Shah,
Can not be Humpty together again

Example:

To be or not to be
That is the question

(English -> Chinese -> English)

Is or is not
This is a problem

Example: 'Lolland is a good site' (English -> any language -> English) gives 'hahahahahahaha'

Example: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine (English -> Persian -> Chinese -> English) gives One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, not 10

If you find anything interesting, do post it in the comments.

Chapter 34

Watch from 0:40 onwards. God knows what you'll learn from it.

Chapter 14 - Do not repeat

The paragraphs below are taken from a description of Captain Vyom here: http://cartoons-comics.deepthi.com/india-cartoons-comics-captain-vyom.html

The passage starts off well; the first paragraph is well written. OK, slightly well written. One problem is that everything is unbelievable, but that’s ok.

Then the writer suddenly goes mad in the second paragraph and starts a love affair with ‘the space’. Read further to enjoy the space.

In 2220 A.D. mankind has conquered the solar system and is reaching out into space. Earth is ruled by a World Government, and space stations are established on many planets in the solar system. One of these stations is a top-security prison on Io, a moon of Jupiter. When a metorite strike hits the base, destroying the security system keeping the prisoners contained, some of the worst criminals in mankind's history break loose. The Earth Government charges it's top law enforcer, Captain Vyom, with recapturing them. Vyom was the son of one of the Earth's top scientists and the grandson of the ruler of the parasites from the 13th Dimension, a race of beings 10 million years aheads of us in civilization. He had been brought up in a monastery in Ladakh, and he had yogic powers of concentration.

His mission is to maintain the security in the space. His aim is to wipe out all enemies of peace in space. Yes, that is what is Captain Vyom sent with his teammates to carry out this mission in space. This young Captain bravely encounters all sorts of evils attempts of the enemies of peace. You will enjoy Captain Vyom's thrilling encounters in the space.